I’m Death and Distruction!
As a combat veteran, I will tell you that my PTSD comes from nothing that includes bad guys dying. Even with that I can at least justify in my mind why good men die while at war. I can tell myself “they were grown adults, they knew what they volunteered for”, or “shit happens in a war, it’s just the way it is”, even the classic “go-to” of “when it’s your time it’s your time.”
Civilian Life Excluded
It’s different when it’s someone on this side of the world. Someone who has nothing to do with the war or the military. They may have at some point but while they died it had nothing to do with war or danger. They just died.
They were here, and now they are gone. and in my head I have no good justification for why? I can throw the “when it’s your time it’s your time” but I don’t believe that. Not here, not after all I have done to ensure you, here, now, are safe.
How the hell am I going to keep you safe if you died?
Shit Don’t Make Sense…
You see it comes down to we serve and protect. It’s what we do. We can see that because we kept bad guys away they are not coming here to where you are, so you’re safe.
But you died anyways. I couldn’t protect you from the cancer, I didn’t even see the cancer coming. I turned away for just a moment and when I looked back the cancer had taken everything from me. Not just taken from me but gave me no time to get used to the idea that there was something out there I could not fight off of you. You were here and then you were gone!
I want to control things and I couldn’t control the cancer. I had no say so in if you lived or died from it. I had no cure, I had no way to help, all the first aide training in the world could not have given me any clue to how to fix you.
And now, you’re dead. The cancer came and took you away. The cancer took everything I was fighting for away. Now what was I fighting for?
Seriously, what the hell has my life been about?
There is a God!
There really is a God… and he took you from me. I had all the tools and training I could. I put my body and mind and heart and soul into learning everything to become a weapon, to keep evil away.
And I failed.
The first and easiest way to justify this is to blame God. It’s his fault, all this evil in this world that I get to see first hand and I come home to you dying? The greatest person I have ever known in my life, and God reduced you to this ragged little cancer ridden dragged out ragged death of a man?
What the Fuck! Seriously, what in the hell is going on? These evil men I had to let go and let live because I obeyed the rules, are living life healthy and happy and the greatest man I know died a slow horrible death?
It’s got to be some sick joke! There’s no way this really ended this way. It’s probably just the crazy in my head that’s not letting me see the reality of what just happened. If I keep on…
But I wake up and you’re still dead and gone. The world is empty without you here. Whenever anything really good ever happened, you were the first one to call, “Dad I just did this and no one else could do it the way I could!” Bad shit would happen and you were the first one I would call “Dad I just lost two friends in Afghanistan I’m pissed off what the fuck do I do?” and you would always have the words to make it all make sense. Now good or bad happens I run to my phone to call you and have a revelation that there is no one on the other side of that phone call. What do I do now? Something great happens and I can’t wait to tell… no one. I have no one to tell.
Now even the great moments have no meaning at all.
This Fuckin’ Head of Mine!
It tells me lies! This mind of mine is gone off the deep end. It says your dead! Probably because I’ve lost friends, it can’t be true. I’m stuck in this fucked up reality where nothing burns worse the the silence of your absence. Like knives stabbing into my eardrums.
I wish they would pierce the brain and put me out of this misery. This pain like no other and there is nothing there. My ears burn, my head hurts, my thoughts go a million miles an hour. Death is a welcome thought. To end it now, oh how great would it be?
That’s it! Death is the answer. If I died now all of this would be over! The pain gone, and you would be back. The devil has gotten inside me now! Testing me and using my own mind against me. Death seems more and more welcome, “Please Death, come and sit with me awhile, we’ll discuss this you and I.”
Everything is going so fast, I cannot keep up. Everything I am doing I just don’t give a shit. Because it’s all going so fast, and I don’t give a shit, everything is failing. I went from failing you to failing everyone. This world would really be better off without me.
There is the justification! The answer I have been looking for! My one last hope at taking care of everything and every one is death. By killing myself you all will have better lives. And the circle of protection makes death a viable option. Death went from “never going to get me asshole” to “this is a great idea!”
What just happened? No, that’s not how it works! Don’t you realize that in death this suffering you are dealing with now will be an eternity of this! Don’t you realize that killing yourself is going to hell and going to hell is the permanent burning, and piercing will be never ending. Not only that but I will never see you again. You see I was born and raised Catholic, and as a catholic I know that suicide is a selfish answer. It’s the “easy way out” and no easier path to hell then suicide.
Now I’m debating in my own head good and evil. All of this comes down to good and evil. Am I good or am I evil? Lets just start with coming to terms that I’m likely going to hell anyways. So if hell is the punishment then there’s really no reason for me to delay it suicide is the option. But on the other hand I can’t justify suicide as helping everyone else because what about the bills food and shelter for the family? They’ll get alot of money if I die but the insurance doesn’t cover suicide. They would get nothing.
As good and evil go to war within me the crazy goes wild. At this point I could probably convince myself of anything. Many don’t see this or understand this part of it.
I have experienced having life ripped apart. And I tell you the answer is always “keep going”
Why Keep Going?
Because… the opposite to answer “when it’s your time it’s your time” is “when it’s NOT your time, it’s NOT your time.” Now take into considerations everything that can go wrong if it’s not your time. Suicide turns into “attempted suicide” which depending on how you go about it can turn your life into an even bigger living hell than now. Bullets or OD can really fuck you up! Now you’re alive, crazy, and retarded or maimed. Congratulations asshole you would the stupid award!
Why keep going? Because the way you are now is the way you can be an example to all of the rest of us going through this same shit! The horror you live today could be the horror someone needs to read or hear about tomorrow to make sense of themselves. Your NOT committing suicide may be the reason that other dude you knew doesn’t commit suicide.
Why keep going? Because my dad, and my buddies are not continuing on in life and I’m the only fucker who can tell the world how great they were. I’m the only one who’s going to have stories of their heroics. I’m the only person who’s going to keep their sacrifice in my heart and in how I live life and lead others.
I am here because it was NOT my time. Ultimately, it’s not MY decision it’s something bigger than me, and if I don’t use this time to figure out how I can make this shitty world better then I will waste away into nothing which is worse than death and suffering. I cannot be part of the problem I need to be part of the answer.
I’m writing this for a brother of mine who needs to know my crazy thoughts. He needs to know that “yeah, I know.” And he needs to know that I’m not telling you anything I wouldn’t tell myself in the same situation.