that everything all turned around. That is the moment that is awe inspiring and in which movies are written around. The realization and admission that there is a problem combined with the decision to fix the problem. If only these moments were awe awesome as in the movies. I do not know about anyone else, but when these moments happen in my life it usually takes place in the form of a fight. Especially with something as complex and twisted as PTSD can be.
I do not recall
all of the details that caused the decision to be made. I will get more into memory issues later in the book. For now, I am focusing in on what happened to get me to start treatment? The answer is simple and barely a story. My wife gave me an ultimatum. “You will seek treatment and talk to someone, or I will disappear with your kids and you will not have contact with them, you will not know where we went.” This is the moment, the light that shone brightly to get me to seek help. Perhaps not in the way that one would imagine such a powerful moment. Then it is important to point out that I thought to myself “OK FINE, BITCH! I’m going to talk to someone and have THEM explain how fucked up you are!”
I do not remember
saying this, but I know it was going through my head. I soon had a mission: To seek out counselor to that said counselor can tell wife she’s full of shit so she knows that I am right when I say she’s full of shit. Time to accomplish mission: ASAP! I quickly called up the Military One Source and began discussion of my counselor needs. Look, my wife thinks I have PTSD, I need to talk to someone who is certified so I can let her know she’s wrong! She won’t let it go until this happens and I’m tired of this shit. “Well ok sir, let’s check the options, you can go see this counselor you get 6 free visits then if more are needed then you go from there, or you call us and we arrange that and blah blah blah blah.” Said the source on the other end of the line.
I just want a counselor why are we talking so much. All I really want is “ok you are scheduled to tell your wife off at 3:00pm tomorrow, will that be fine?” that is what I WANT to hear. “OR you can see a counselor in the VA Center, they can provide longer treatment at no cost, and if you need medicine for treatment they can assist and get you this.” Continued the person on the other end of the line. “FREE”, is all I heard “FREE, and, as long as you need it?” Good this is good! Even if it takes longer I will not have to worry about paying to prove her wrong. So I was setup with an appointment for next month, and I hung up the phone.
I was a bit disappointed
that the first time available was not next week. My wife saw this disappointment and took it as a good sign that I “wanted” help. I did not tell her the real reason was to get her off my back about PTSD. I felt my wife was seeing things going on around us and wanted me to have PTSD. She was so convinced that I “deserve” PTSD as much as the other guys that she “thought” I had it. I know this sounds fucked up, I felt it fucked up too. This is why I wanted so badly to prove her wrong sooner rather than later. In my mind, me even thinking of having PTSD was retarded. I had done a lot in my 3 deployments but in my mind, nothing that would stand out. I am just a guy doing his job. The people I would say legitimately have PTSD all had guys very close to them die in their arms in a situation they felt was their fault. We brought everyone back. All of us lived. This in my mind was the one correct answer to the equation of why I do not have PTSD.