PTSDDaddy – Triggers and Seeing Red
Prior to discovering I had PTSD, I had also no experience on “triggers” and oblivious to the fact that I had triggers. You see there have been many times I have fought with my wife. I figured it was just what being married was all about. We fight, we make up, we go on, we fight again. The major problem to this theory was not just that it was wrong but that I would say some truly horrible things to my wife. After I had time to cool off, it was like a drunk night blackout. I recalled the entire argument differently than reality. I did not recall the horrible things and in my mind she said worse things to me. This was a huge problem with triggers that had me literally seeing red.
Even the most peaceful scenes when seeing red are horrible places to be. Blackout mode not remembering the events correctly adds to the frustration and stress of triggers. Afterwards when my wife would tell me what I really said I could not remember. I would accuse her of lying and reading between the lines even twisting my words. I would hold grudges making the next fight that much worse. My wife in all honesty has every right to have taken my kids and left me. She has endured more than any spouse should be required. Had my wife left and I still got counseling knowing what I know now I would never blame her for leaving. She has not left, in fact, our relationship is greater now than ever thanks to these trials and tribulations.
The First Step
The first step is always the hardest step but is the most important step. As much as we like to think we can do it on our own the best method is to have a neutral figure (counselor or psych) there to look at our efforts from an objective view. Look, I hate counselors and psychs with a passion but I never would have made it this far and discovered that I CAN fight without an objective view. When your spouse seems to be enemy number one and you have issues where you are so angry you see red, you have that “blackout” argument, an outside objective view is necessary. Had I not gotten a counselor I would have never figured out my triggers and how to watch for the triggers. I would never have found out how to handle the triggered situations and I never would have been able to take control back.
Triggers and seeing red
I will begin my journey discussing triggers not only what they are but the specific ones I have experienced. I am going to start talking about how I discovered them, how I handle them, why it’s a continuous journey. I will also discuss some of why I feel so strongly that the nOCD app is of GREAT use even though it says OCD specifically much of my beginnings figuring out my triggers were the same as this app explores. If you can’t get a counselor, or you don’t want anyone to know you are even considering PTSD affecting you, the nOCD app is also an awesome way to explore the possibility still having a guide to help you along the way.