I now firmly believe that this event happened because God was testing my faith. For over 14 years, I believed it was my fault. After examining the evidence, I can proudly say that it was NOT my fault. It just wasn’t my time to go.
A1C Carl L. Anderson, Jr. Was one of the best people I ever met. He loved the Lord and he loved serving the U.S. of A.! He was always one of the first to volunteer for anything, and he would gladly give anything he had, if someone needed it.
My thinking and beliefs fell into a couple stuck point categories. These are “thoughts, not feelings” and “if-then” statements. I thought I should have been there to take the hit for him. I thought it was my fault. Also, I felt that if I had been there, then it would have been me that made the Ultimate Sacrifice.
At the memorial service, I was told it was my fault, and I should have been there. These statements really scarred me. I felt like I was less of a man because I didn’t go right away due to disciplinary action. I lost the ability to trust others and I felt like the world was no longer safe. Almost immediately, I began checking every place I went for safety hazards. I didn’t trust many people, especially not those I control of any other people, or in control of any function. I always wanted to be the one in charge. I thought if I was I charge, everyone would be safe. I thought this because I knew I was checking and correcting safety issues. My self esteem was steadily dropping due to me believing it was my fault Carl was killed. On top of all these issues, my level of intimacy also dropped. I rarely wanted any physical contact with my wife, and didn’t want to spend time with my children.